Three Break Up Coping Tools

Submitted by Margaret Ruth on Sun, 2010-08-01 21:50

Hi Margaret Ruth, I just wanted to let you know that I really respect you and your work. Do you have anything on dealing with heartbreak when a relationship with mutual love breaks up for other reasons? I'm really in a low spot right now and any words would be helpful. I've been through this enough to know it's just as immediate and painful each time, but that there really is an end in sight, however things end up going.

I think I will be sending her flowers in a week just letting her know I'm thinking of her and hoping she's feeling ok, then a message the next week kind of baring my soul in a very warm and open way and leaving the door open without being forceful or manipulative. Does this sound like a good idea? – Matt

Hi Matt,

It does sound like you are trying to take this tough time in as healthy a way as possible by trying to keep your perspective about the long run. It is very true that when people are experiencing the heartbreak of losing a relationship they wanted to keep, that it is very easy to drown in the feelings of loss and despair. Here are a couple of thoughts about getting through breakups that are not our idea (those are the ones that are extra painful).

First, always act as if you will not get back together. When I am reading for people, and you will also notice this objectively with the people you have known, some breakups are not permanent. A psychic phrase that describes these is “the energy isn’t over.” However, no matter how unfinished it feels or how still-connected a person feels, the best possible plan is to act as if you will never get back together. I know you are still feeling the connection, but tell yourself that it is truly over and reach for some life enhancing choices.

This movement is the fastest way towards regaining emotional and mental stability because it forces someone to reach for new activities and friends to fill the newly-formed gaps and holes, instead of waiting for the other person to change their mind or their ways and come back around. Acting as if the other won’t be back means finding new fun things to do and new fun people to do those with. In addition, if the other person does indeed come back around, they find their ex-partner living a relatively happier, more fulfilled life than if she or he had been moping in the waiting period. So, the best avenue is always act as if it is really over.

Second, keep that positive long term perspective in your awareness as much as possible. I like how you understand that this is a difficult, yet temporary, period. It does take people some time to alter their visions of the future when they lose a significant other. Many people get depressed in these cases because they feel like they have no choice or good future options. Holding fast to the realization that, in time, people who keep reaching for their most healthy, happy options do actually gain new relationships that are even more healthy and happier than before, can have a calming effect. Keeping this perspective may not make the current process easier, but it can keep someone from sinking into a despair that keeps echoing that there won’t ever be anything like this again. Those kinds of thoughts will always be the proverbial downer.

Third, as far as contacting the other person in these cases, the best option is to do what you need to do for yourself ONLY. The way to come to understand what this is to imagine that you will get no response from the other at all. Anything that you would do, where it doesn't matter what the other’s response would be, is almost always the right thing. Anything done to induce or persuade a person to do or feel something may not really be true for you, so skip that. For instance, if you want to send flowers or a message so that she will come back, or feel badly, or get sad, or anything like that, is the wrong choice. If you want to send a message because you will feel better, and you do not anticipate the other’s reaction, then it is probably the right thing to do. Although good judgment in these cases is also a nice add-on. Does this make sense? Let me know.

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Three Break Up Coping Tools

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