Reader’s Question: Why Am I Thinking of My Ex?

Margaret Ruth, I am 25. I just got out of a long 2 1/2 year relationship and before that I was married for 3 1/2 yrs. I got a divorce that was final in June of 2006. And my late relationship ended in the end of March of this year. But my problem is I am thinking and having feelings pop up for my ex-husband. I mean maybe I just miss his friendship; we were friends since we were 12. And he has been out of my life now for 3 yrs. Why am I missing him now? Why am I thinking about him? Why am I having feeling for him? Thanks, Always a Fan, Jeannie Hi Jeannie, There are two ways to answer your questions. One way is to understand the general pattern of these kinds of feelings. The next way is to answer it specifically for you. In general, you never want to ignore your feelings. However, as you have already guessed, just because you are having strong feelings, it does not mean you are still in love with him. People’s feelings tell them about things they does not like and what they do like. Whenever you feel like this, ask yourself what it is that your ex symbolized to you and you know that is something you are wanting now in your life. Make sure you honor the feelings, whatever they are telling you. In your specific case, you are not really wishing your ex was in your life. At one level, you do love him, but it is like a love for a family member.  At another level, you do not want to be close to him again like you were. There are two things that are going on with you that I want to talk about. The first is that you are missing feeling cared for and loved. The second is that you are still hoping to find someone to love who is healthy enough to make a long term, loving, happy, healthy relationship with. The second item, what you want, is a good thing. You want to make sure you honor your own desires and wishes. The first item, missing feeling loved, is a problem.  When you find yourself in a situation that you don’t feel loved without someone else – you will be needy, you might feel empty or incomplete. Objectively, can you see that as long as a person needs others to love her in order to feel loved, she will never really feel perfectly loved. The reason for this is that others, no matter how much they love, will have off days and not-so-great days. Needing them to love us, so that we feel good, is not good for us nor for them. It is asking quite a bit from others to always be holding us up like that and never getting a break. It is very important that we love ourselves and accept ourselves just as we are, right now and right here. This insures that we always feel loved and gives everybody else a nice break. It also keeps us from feeling needy, insecure, and clingy. It keeps us from feeling like we have to compromise in relationships too, as we do not have to settle for anything because of our emotional needs. Does this make sense? Let me know and I can clarify anything not clear here. MR UPDATE: I just wanted to say thanks. You made it so it made sense to me, thanks I don't have to get lost in my feelings and emotions anymore. I am learning from my past and not living in it. Thanks again! You are wonderful!! =) Jeannie Questions, comments and ideas are welcome and encouraged. Contact Psychic Margaret Ruth on her Facebook page, email mr@margaretruth.com or call 801-575-7103. You can also get details on private readings, Margaret’s classes and blog at www.margaretruth.com. Margaret Ruth has been on radio, television, published in newspapers and magazines and major websites. She is the author of Superconscious Connections: The Simple Psychic Truths of Great Relationships (Sept 2010)