Lara's Insights on Getting Past an Ex

(My friend Lara wrote a very insightful post on break ups.  It is so good, I am reprinting it here. Thanks Lara for taking your time to write this) Here are my thoughts about pining for the ex. A wise person once told me any breakup is little different from a death. People build up, as you said in a later post, habits, things both wanted and unwanted. Most people do not enter a relationship with the intent of ending it, and whether on the giving or receiving of the break, at some point one's self has established an expectation of the future including this person. After the relationship ends, all these habits must be unlearned and expectations grieved, much like a person has died. The love, the relationship, has died. Grief is a natural process. With that said, moving on from the end of a relationship has something to do with will. People who can't move on (whether from death or a breakup), do not want to. It may be logical these people will not re-enter our lives in the same way we knew them before, but we do not want to leave behind the feelings or expectations we have. Here is my own true story. At age 19, and nearly twenty years ago, I fell in love with the guy I thought was The One. The person in question represented everything I wanted, or so I thought. He led me to believe we had a future together. For reasons both known and unknown, which I endlessly dissected afterward, things didn't work out. Perhaps he intended kindness, but he held out a hope that someday the timing would be better, and in the interim we should remain friends. For nearly two miserable years I remained on this guy's back burner, painfully watched as he dated others. Continued my relationship with his mother, who clearly wished she could help facilitate my return into their folds. When he attended a friend's wedding as my guest, and ended up sneaking off with one of her college buddies during the majority of the event, I told him off. Didn't hear much from him until his mother phoned to invite me to his wedding. I did not attend, and it took his marriage to completely cancel my naive expectations and move on emotionally. Interestingly enough, a friend of mine recently ran into him at a seminar for individuals questioning their sexuality. I think back on all the heartache I put myself through. I allowed the fantasy of what I wanted from him to rule my existence. That he did me a kindness, in the long run, is beside the point (although it did make me feel pretty great, I'll be honest). I'm sure there are reasons I, we, hold on to people, and feelings, after they have left us. I suppose we can only let go of our attachments once we are ready, whatever the reason.