Hoping You Will Get Back Together after the Breakup?
But for some of us, these commonly-given and common-sense responses to our breakup experience just don’t help. There are many reasons why we are not open to moving on after a heart break (usually in this case we are the Break-ee as opposed to the Break-er; otherwise we wouldn’t be so upset).
In general, most people do need a certain period for dealing with their tough emotions after a loss like this. What amount of time that is optimal for you is a good thing for you and your therapist to decide, not everybody else. Some people feel fine in a relatively rapid amount of time. I remember when my long term marriage broke up (decades ago). I had done so much grieving about the loss of the marriage before the actual breakup that, when it was finally over, there was a relief. I felt so fine, so fast, that the marriage counselor claimed I was stuffing my feelings – I simply couldn’t feel that good he insisted. He didn’t account for all the time inside the marriage when I was sad and heartbroken about it.
But, for others -- like some of my clients, readers, and friends -- the leftover feelings can last for years. Uh…perhaps that might be a bit overly long.
One reason this occurs is one, or both, person involved still feels an continuing emotional or energetic (or both) connection. These cases are typified by a continuing affection, or continuing anger. People in this situation say they might think of their ex often, or even dream about them at times.
Will We Ever Get Back Together?
I have sometimes found, when doing readings, there is still energy between the two people, or as I tell them, they are not done yet with each other. In these cases, many want to know then if there is any chance they will get back together. It makes sense, to me when doing an energy reading, that a person would feel this way. He or she can sense that the existing connection and want to know what will come of that. Left alone, this feeling can go on for years in some situations.
If this is your question, let me give you the very best metaphysical answer possible: “Act as if you will Never Get Back Together.” In some cases, I can certainly read a future possibility of coming together again. However, it is in your best interest to always. After a breakup, act as if there is no chance. As you see, this is somewhat similar to the common sense advice illuminated above.
There are two reasons that I would put forward why this is your best post-breakup mantra. First, cutting off any hopes of a future with the ex helps you begin to fashion and build up your own life, now without that person. This contributes to you becoming amore happy and fulfilled YOU, in a faster, clearer way, than if you continue to hold out for the possibility. That leads to a second reason. If you are one of the statistically rarer couples that does get together again, you return to it a more fulfilled, happier you, which always benefits a close connection.
So, the best answer for the question: “Will we ever get back together?” is “Act as if you never will.”
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#1 MR, I like this article, and
MR,
I like this article, and here are my thoughts about pining for the ex.
A wise person once told me any breakup is little different from a death. People build up, as you said in a later post, habits, things both wanted and unwanted. Most people do not enter a relationship with the intent of ending it, and whether on the giving or receiving of the break, at some point one's self has established an expectation of the future including this person. After the relationship ends, all these habits must be unlearned and expectations grieved, much like a person has died. The love, the relationship, has died. Grief is a natural process.
With that said, moving on from the end of a relationship has something to do with will. People who can't move on (whether from death or a breakup) do not want to. It may be logical these people will not re-enter our lives in the same way we knew them before, but we do not want to leave behind the feelings or expectations we have.
Here is my own true story.
At age 19, and nearly twenty years ago, I fell in love with the guy I thought was The One. The person in question represented everything I wanted, or so I thought. He led me to believe we had a future together. For reasons both known and unknown, which I endlessly dissected afterward, things didn't work out. Perhaps he intended kindness, but he held out a hope that someday the timing would be better, and in the interim we should remain friends.
For nearly two miserable years I remained on this guy's back burner, painfully watched as he dated others. Continued my relationship with his mother, who clearly wished she could help facilitate my return into their folds. When he attended a friend's wedding as my guest, and ended up sneaking off with one of her college buddies during the majority of the event, I told him off. Didn't hear much from him until his mother phoned to invite me to his wedding. I did not attend, and it took his marriage to completely cancel my naive expectations and move on emotionally.
Interestingly enough, a friend of mine recently ran into him at a seminar for individuals questioning their sexuality.
I think back on all the heartache I put myself through. I allowed the fantasy of what I wanted from him to rule my existence. That he did me a kindness, in the long run, is besides the point (although it did make me feel pretty great, I'll be honest).
I'm sure there are reasons I, we, hold on to people, and feelings, after they have left us. I suppose we can only let go of our attachments once we are ready, whatever the reason.
Best,
Lara